I walked up to the cliff and resting on the safety railing, I stared over the edge. The water was just as I expected. Rough, with a twelve foot swell slapping wildly against the rocks. It beckoned me, wishing me over the edge, to join its endless expanse. One look at the rolling waves and all my troubles ceased. I knew that if I gave in, it would all be over - the pressure building inside of me, making my mind swirl and my body ache. A salty wind pushed me back away from the edge, as if trying to stop the inevitable, as if the darkened grey skies disapproved of my decision. But there was no other answer. I couldn’t go back now. I couldn’t face the family like this. I could barely make heads or tails out of anything. As the pressure mounted, I functioned less and less like a human being and was merely going through the automatic motions, just trying to cope with the here and now.
The waves continued to roar, unaware of the turmoil racing through my mind. A couple walked up behind me to appreciate the view. I huffed. Not before and not after, as mum used to say. I’d finally made the decision but fate stepped in again, forcing me to reconsider. But it was too late. I’d chosen this isolated coast for a reason, and made the trek up the sandy bank with a single goal in mind. It wouldn’t take long, not that anyone would notice. And even if I was disturbed at the last minute, they wouldn’t stop me, not if they saw the pain in my eyes. One look at me and I’m sure they would understand.
The couple had their fill of the ocean views and left holding hands. Finally I was alone again. It was now or never. I climbed over the safety railing and stood on the narrow ledge. I closed my eyes and took a deep long breath. The strong wind masked the salty air but it was there, carried over by the whipped up spray. With a final glance around, I undid my fly and let the pressure flow out of me in a single stream.
I sighed with relief. It felt like forever but eventually it came to an end and the angst in my mind eased instantly. With a fresh new clarity, I looked over the edge and the sheer height of the cliff suddenly dawned on me. I quickly reached for the railing with both hands. Falling from up here could seriously hurt.